Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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