After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
