my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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