2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
