We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
