I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
