There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
