Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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