god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
