ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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