A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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