I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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