the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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