he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
last night I used snow as a chaser
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
