I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
