He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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