Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
