It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i peed on brittanys purse
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
