Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
