oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
