woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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