New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
