if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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