Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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