Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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