the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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