You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
