i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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