the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
