I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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