My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
