Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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