I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
