you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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