Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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