Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
