Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
