I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
