I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
