The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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