what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I AM VODKA MAN
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
