SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
