You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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