drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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