The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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