was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you traded sex for a burrito?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
