turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
