so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Who died my cat blue again?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
