Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
