I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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