I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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