I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
