He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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